I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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