is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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