It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
