why didn't you poke me back
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You're like the curious george of whores
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
