seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
