remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
