she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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