dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
