I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
