My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He felt like a one man threesome
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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