rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Houston, we have a blender
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize