Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
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