You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
