He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you would pick up someone in the library
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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