booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
