Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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