I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
