I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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