but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
