Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
