Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
