Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
