Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
