I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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