I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
