Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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