God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If I die, sorry about rent.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
