I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
