i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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