85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
