So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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