he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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