He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize