Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
