The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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