I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
