I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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