I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
