just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
