Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
