to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
where am i from again
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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