Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
