just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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