On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
