The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
