hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize