How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
