i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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