Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
