She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
