Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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