I look better un-naked...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
