I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
