well I can't set my house on fire every night
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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