the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
