I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
