this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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