Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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