'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
