a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
