I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
