I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
