Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize