Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
