Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
she told me i tasted like america
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
