it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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