Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
