Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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