the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
