Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
