Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize