I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
