Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Two words: nipple clamps
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