You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
