I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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