peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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