Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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