dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
