matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
